Continuing with the Principle to Grow in Intimacy, Lesson 14 builds on delves into the topic of Sexual Intimacy.
The main idea is:
“Sex is God’s gift in marriage to experience a unique physical expression of oneness and intimacy.
The book started off with this clarification of what to expect…
“The goal of this lesson is to help move you toward a biblical understanding of sex.”
As we have talked in past posts, Satan is always looking for an opportunity to drive a wedge between us so we really need to have the uncomfortable conversations so that we can eliminate the foothold he can have in our marriages.
“In marriage, people generally make one or two mistakes in regards to sexual intimacy: either they make too little of it, or they make too much of it. Rather than seeing it as a good gift from God to be enjoyed, they can minimize it or obsess about it.”
In the book they asked whether you minimize or maximize the importance of sex? They made these two points in regards to these two different mistakes:
“Sometimes you can minimize sex in marriage because of guilt and shame from the past, your upbringing, pain during intercourse or past abuse. Often someone with this can selfishly use sex as a bargaining chip to manipulate their spouse and exert control in the relationship.”
“If you overemphasize sex, you often become manipulative to get what you want and angry when you don’t get what you want. Sex is a very important aspect of marriage, but God did not intend for it to be the important.”
In the book they listed the Proper Views of Sex:
- Sex is good.
- “The act of sex itself is good.” In Genesis 1:28, God instructs men and woman to have sex…”Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth…”
- “In a fallen world, we forget that when God created sex, He created it to be a good thing. Some of us think of it as dirty because of things we’ve done or things that have happened to us.”
- Your body is good.
- “You must believe that the physical body you bring into sex is good. Genesis 1:37 and 30 teach that men and women were created in God’s image and God sees their body as good.”
- “Our bodies are not something we’ve been cursed with or have to manage, but are a gift from God.”
- Sex is a gift to be enjoyed. It is a gift.
- “Sex was not given as for procreation alone. It was also given as a gift to be thoroughly enjoyed by both husband and wife (Song of Songs 5:1b).”
- Sex is an opportunity to glorify God.
- “1 Corinthians 10:31 says, “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” You might not have thought about it before, but “whatever you do” even includes the way a husband and wife have sex.”
Here is the great dichotomy:
“It’s difficult to not minimize or overemphasize the role of sex in marriage. To make matters even more complex, if you tend to minimize sex, you probably are married to someone who overemphasizes sex, and vice versa. Seeing sex as a good gift from God to be enjoyed and a chance to glorify God is the starting place for growth in intimacy that God designed married couples to experience.”
Lesson 14 discussed “What is Permissible” with Sex:
- Cannot involve others (See Matthew 5:28)
- Cannot be selfish (See 1 Corinthians 13:5 and Philippians 2:3-4)
- Cannot violate your spouse’s conscience (See Romans 14:15)
“Remember the goal of sex is physical and emotional openness. It is definitely fun to be creative and try new things in the bedroom, as long as you remember the goal of sex in marriage is oneness.”
Here is some additional information from Watermark Church that was:
A Special Note to Women:
1. Make sure you have a biblical view of sex. (Song of Songs 5:1)
- Sex is not dirty but is a good gift to be enjoyed.
- Sex is both a celebration of a great marriage and a means to oneness in your marriage.
- The world focuses on sex but we can tend to downplay it. It is just as important as communication, emotional intimacy, having fun together, etc.
2. Pursue a correct image of your body. (Psalm 139:14)
- Believe and trust that God made us and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Meditate on Psalm 139:14 to change the way you view intimacy.
3. Pursue your husband.
- Initiate and be creative with your spouse to honor him. Not waiting until you’re exhausted late at night, but making an effort and initiating.
- Know that his frustration sexually feels the same as your frustration about emotional and communication issues.
4. You are his protection.
- Men are visually stimulated and so there is a struggle with lust; our role is to help them and be available.
- He is still responsible, but you are his protection as his only sexual outlet. Sex is not a bargaining chip.
5. Ask your husband about his desires and preferences.
- Be willing and open to try different things that don’t violate your conscience. Meditate on the verses that say sex is good.
A Special Note to Men:
1. Become a great and godly husband. (Ephesians 5:25)
- God wired her to respond to you. If she is not, there is a good shot it is you not loving, accepting, or serving her.
- If you love her well, that’s the best way to pique her interest in sex.
2. Pursue purity. (Job 31:1)
- Do not look at porn or compare her to others. Your wife is your new standard of beauty; let her know you have eyes for her only.
- Masturbation is the lazy way out and does not breed self-control. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 – avoid sexual immorality and control our bodies.)
- Watch out for Facebook affairs (men and women). Don’t friend or accept friend request from previous romantic interests. Instead pour your emotional energy into your own marriage.
3. Pursue her emotionally and physically. (1 Peter 3:7)
- Share encouragement. Sex doesn’t just start in the kitchen or in the morning; it started yesterday and the week before.
- Ie, “I saw the way you handled xyz earlier and thought you handled it so well.”
- Non-sexual touch. Physical touch does not always need to lead to sex.
4. Practice romance and creativity. (Songs of Songs 7)
- Suggest you take the dishes, homework, bath time and bedtime while she goes to dinner, reads a book, goes to Starbucks.
- Don’t focus just on the climax.
5. Ask your wife about her desires and preferences. (James 1:19)
- Serve her by asking about the state of your sex life and marriage.
- Stop pushing her to take part or live out your ideas that come from porn (adultery we committed).
- If you can’t have this conversation, get help.
I will close with this challenge to discuss with your spouse about the following experiences because they can have a big impact in your sex life.
- Confess any issues you are having with pornography or any other form of infidelity.
- Discuss with your spouse if you have ever been sexually abused in the past.
If you would like to read the next installment in the re|engage class, click here…★ Re|Engage – Completion ★
If you want to read previous re|engage lessons click here…
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